closer to nothing ....contd

survival has never been a priority for me... but that 60 min of battle against fading away, did make me realise the importance of good health... is that it?!?! ... no more to take from a near death experience.. no earth shattering insight?.. no ultimate sense of peace and tranquility??!

i'll lower it a bit more... there is not even an urge to feel grateful to the person/persons who were with me during the ordeal... who sort of "saved" me... i love them all.. more today than before... and i am glad about it... i am "excited" about whatever happened.. i smile more often now... cause all the negative emotions have suddenly lost their significance... but gratitude seems irrelevant.. almost demeaning... i was not scared to die..so i am not grateful for being alive... but i am glad i found friends due to this ordeal.. knowing genuine nice people is the biggest earning a man can have...

i must say that i am not an ingrate... also, under normal circumstances i have been grateful to people who have gone out of the way to help me... and even i am used to going out of my way to help others... but that day was different... that day had a significance simply by having started as just another day and ending similarly... in between life balanced itself precariously... by the end of the day.. i was a happier person...


after i was brought back from to the room, i slept... woke up at 6 and felt like having tea... CME has a lovely tea/snack/juice kinda multiutility area... i walked to the place and then towards a lake... sunsets at the CME manmade lake are lovely... very very lovely.. slowly the realisation of the earlier happenings of the day came to me... it started sinking in ... i met the doctor again.. i told her that saying thanx may not be enough because.. i possibly don even realise the gravity of what had happened, but she could always count on me under any circumstances.. for life... and then i walked away... staring into the setting sun next to the lake..


i called "her".. she did not pick up...
i didnt call again


i didnt call mom dad.. no one...


i felt peaceful, happy and incomplete... but happy!
:)

G157, EODE, CME, PUNE - Closer to nothing

Anaphylaxis… an acute systemic severe allergic reaction.. the most severe type of anaphylaxis—Anaphylactic Shock—will usually lead to death in a matter of minutes if left untreated…

... is it possible to laugh within an hour of having cried because ur body had just refused to hold on while ur will battled with every breath to win the war against a strange helplessness to breath freely?.. Isnt it only fair to realise that life is so important that one must not spend time getting concerned about smaller things like death, future, taxes, sadness and may be ‘life’ itself..?.. and .. is it possible to not feel any sense of deep gratitude, superficial or otherwise, towards a person who saved your life? ?

I felt the proximity to the infinite void recently… I was close to the most scary “nothing” an average human soul can experience… if faith and reincarnation are not on ur side, then death is an absolute end….

it all started with a harmless request of a group of friends who had just prepared some fresh water fish… I had never tried rohu before (and never will…, ahem!)… within a minute my eyes were red.. and within 5 min I cud not breathe… i had the better side of probability in my favor.. I was within 10 min of an MI room (Medical Inspection Room, in armed forces), there was a doctor in our group, and I was surrounded by really nice people….

…by the time i was taken to the MI room.. every breath of mine seemed to demand more effort than I wud put into running a marathon… energy was running out of my body at a rapid pace and I felt helpless…

… fear of something severe had just stuck.. my helplessness was more about not knowing whats happening to me rather than the physical symptoms… a single tear and several marathons later, my will started giving way… I cud hear sounds of phone conversations… adrenaline injection being explained to the chemist and the urgency of the situation being conveyed with harsh words… my lungs were going numb and heartbeat seemed to be goin slow… i was slowly fading away without realising it…

...A needle felt itself on my forearm.. it hurt slightly… and many moments later...I don’t know how many… i felt my heart alive, breathing, while my body had betrayed my will… I cud feel the stillness of death in my limbs while my heart, like an old dependable house care employee, began to carry on with its chore of pumping blood into the frame called body… I realised I was back… back from don know where.. but back for sure...

“Thanx !”... I cud manage a smile while uttering the strangest thanx of my life, to the doctor friend who had “treated me” … she was concerned… almost sure that I cud have crossed over to the other side…

I had just been treated for anaphylactic shock…

Next post… Reflections on this experience.. especially on the lack of a sense of gratitude